happy fucking new year.
I never understood why people say "happy new year."
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Alright, i get that it's good wishes for the person for the upcoming year, but why do we only say it on January first? it's just the start of a new month, really. There isn't anything special about it other than xxxx becomes xxx+1.
To me, new year's day isn't a big deal. Neither is the midnight celebration. However, that doesn't mean that tonight, new year's eve, I'm not upset that I'm probably going to be stuck home while all my friends go out and party.
I talked to a friend recently about the fact that I don't drink. I said how it's stupid of me not to drink. My reason for not drinking is so that I don't end up like my drunken family, but would I end up that way anyway? Maybe. But probably not. My parents, some of my friends, and some of my other family members have done good amounts of cocaine in their lives... and I haven't. I've done cocaine before, but it never ruled me. I never bought it, and only once have I ever done it more than twice in a week. But I wised up and just flat out quit doing it. I wasn't interested in addiction or death brought on by coke. So, why can't I do that with drinking?
My buddy told me not to drink anyway, because even though there is no good reason why I shouldn't, there is also no good reason why I should. Valid point, I suppose? But either way, I feel as though tonight all my friends are out getting drunk and I'm sitting at home because they know I won't be partying with them the way they want me to.
I think it's bullshit, really. I mean, if I'm your friend, who the fuck cares if I wanna consume alcohol or not? Seriously, grow up. I could not care less about what other people want to do, so why should they?
Another part of me thinks that maybe I'm not invited to the parties tonight (or anytime really) because my friends just don't like me. A much more depressing thought.
Hmm. 2009. It's only 5 hours away... and I'll watch it come in while sitting on my ass, on my dad's couch. Yay.
Anyway, in a much MUCH less depressing thought, I finished a story! For once, I had an idea, and wrote it down from start to finish. I know it's not my best story, but I don't care right now. I can't remember the last time I've ever finished a story, so this is awesome. It's a script, and a short one and also relatively basic in terms of locations, props, and all that. So maybe something good to come in 2009 is my first fully produced short film. Only time will tell, right?
Breaking the Silence.
I have intentionally left a large part of my developing life out of the blog for a while now, but I think it's time to put this into words.
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Soon I will (probably) be moving to Maryland for a new job. I would be making enough money to get my own place, pay off my debts fairly quickly, and still have a steady increase in my bank account every paycheck. That sounds great. The drawback; it's almost four hours by car from where I'm living now, and from where my friends are, it's about 3 and a half hours. So, I'll be making good money, living on my own, have no debts, be accquiring money, but have no friends around, and I've never been good at making friends. Probably why I blog -- no one to talk to but myself.
On the upside, with no one to see and nothing to do, I could easily get my writing on track... or I could distract myself from the harsh depressing reality of having no one by playing video games. The first sounds more appealing. I could apply to a local college and take some night courses... but I seriously doubt I'd stick with it if I have no one there to support me. I'm the kind of guy that, unless I'm being praised, I'll think I'm failing miserablly and even though I know that it's not always true I still can't shake that mindset.
Truth be told, though, I wouldn't mind moving... in fact I'm looking forward to getting away. As I'm writing this I'm listening to my dad and stepmom fight and from what I can gather, it's about me. She hates that I live here, but I have no where else to go. So hopefully I'll get this job. Then I'll move to Maryland, focus on my writing in all my spare time, and not worry about being a burden, living with drunks, or worrying about whether my room is clean enough.
That's another thing about living here. I have to clean my room. Understandable and I'm not saying anything bad about that... but I have to clean my room pretty much every fucking day. My room is small, so it can get messy quick, but it doesn't. I keep it in pretty good shape, considering it's size. What bothers me about having to clean my room is I pay rent to live here. Every month, $200 goes to that woman that can't stand me living here. Not only do I pay rent, have to clean my room, but I get no privacy either. I'm almost 20 fucking years old. I'm a few years out of being a teen; an adult as myself should not have to keep his mother fucking door open if he has his girlfriend over, he shouldn't have to be told to clean his room (especially since I do it on my own anyway). It's god damn ridiculous.
crouching addendum, hidden second part.
I never really touched base on my future mediatative plans, after saying that I missed doing it; so now I will.
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I worked with this dude at Modell's Sporting Goods for a while. He was pretty fucking weird. He had all these theories on life, dreaming and awake. What we consider awake is what he beleived were really dreams, and when we "go to sleep" we are just transitioning ourselves into our other lives in the "real world." He never made it clear as to whether or not our dreams were continuous or whether we just imagined our pasts. He also had only one phone number saved in his phone on the day he lost it (like eight months after I had last seen him), and that was mine. Creepy.
Back on topic, he did say that he spent most of his spare time meditating and thinking deeply about the universe. Sounds a lot like a stoner to me, but he swore he wasn't. He frequently encouraged me to meditate when I had spare time and was alone.
Don't know why, but I did it a few times. Each time I could relax and let go a little bit more. I'm sure that if I were to close my laptop right now, go somewhere I felt relaxed, alone and safe (by this I mean somewhere outside) I wouldn't be able to really relax. My mind is just a mess with recent events.
But I want to try. Not this very minute, but tonight. I'm thinking sometime late tonight after most people are sleeping. Some people have a place they go to get away from everything. A place no one else knows about, a place that they can be alone with their thoughts. I realized today my true place to go. It's not one spot, but anywhere I can sit alone and watch people driving. Not like Nascar or anything stupid like that. I mean people on a highway, driving and speeding and going places, never even noticing me.
Tonight, long after people are sleeping, and the roads are relatively empty, I will sit outside and meditate.
I do not wish to reach enlightenment, whatever that may be... not tonight. Tonight I want to relax to the point that tears can flow without my other emotions holding them softly behind my eyes.
Sparknotes: I'm a dork that's going to meditate.
crouching tiger, hidden emotions.
I watched croutching tiger last night. great movie, if you're into subtitles and crazy fight scenes.
it brought back my want to meditate. I used to do this when I was getting stressed, but recently meditation has gone the way of the wind for me.
in the beginning of the movie Li Mu Bai taks of his troubled meditation and how it was troubling bcause there were things he couldn't let go of. He later made note of the fact that one cannot be free until they let go of all physical things, people, and what comes with them. the emotions, essentially.
I would like to say that I am a strong enough person that I could let go, but I can't. I've been raised in a western society, and even though that movie was complete fiction, I believe those words are true anyway.
Letting go is the only way to be free.
so, I will try.
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it brought back my want to meditate. I used to do this when I was getting stressed, but recently meditation has gone the way of the wind for me.
in the beginning of the movie Li Mu Bai taks of his troubled meditation and how it was troubling bcause there were things he couldn't let go of. He later made note of the fact that one cannot be free until they let go of all physical things, people, and what comes with them. the emotions, essentially.
I would like to say that I am a strong enough person that I could let go, but I can't. I've been raised in a western society, and even though that movie was complete fiction, I believe those words are true anyway.
Letting go is the only way to be free.
so, I will try.
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