Scribble@Work

Phil Hansen, an artist, does this thing called, "Goodbye Art". The concept is amazing. He takes an idea, and makes art in a new way. Whether using sand and X-Rays, cheese-wiz on a log or setting matches on fire, he does some cool stuff in even cooler ways.

What Phil does that makes it "Goodbye" Art is he doesn't keep anything from the projects. He throws away the materials, and even the picture. I'm not going to throw away this blog, but I am calling it Goodbye Writing for that connection.

I have written a lot of stuff that does not exist anymore. It was either burned, deleted, lost, stolen (well, borrowed and never returned), or whatever else. That is Goodbye Writing. I have written the stuff -- expanded my writing abilities. I have lost the writing -- the ideas can be used again, in a better story.

Looking at it all in this way makes me feel better about losing it all. I remember most of what I wrote, maybe not line for line, but I remember the ideas of the stories. I can reuse them when my writing improves and a great way to improve my writing is just write stuff I don't care about. I have to care somewhat, obviously, or I'll just write horrible shit. I am now going to try to write without worrying about whether or not it's good enough for people to enjoy... or good enough for me. Just write what comes to mind (kind of like this blog, except using stories).

This blog is actually kind of like Goodbye Writing. I write this shit and I don't care whether or not this stuff stays in existence; it's just a way to write.

Eh, enough of this writing. I'm repeating myself and I don't think I'm making a valid point. To wrap up, I'm going to start writing more without worrying about how it turns out.

I was sick over the weekend. I tried to do some writing, but it's nothing that's for this blog. I also scrapped two of the posts I was working on so I have two posts that need to be finished, and they will come soon.

I'm working on 4 posts simultaneously right now, so those will come in a couple days (not much until then).

I found this picture using stumble... funny shit right there.

Oh, last night I was playing video games with a friend and I started acting cocky. I turned to my friend and said, "Hey, this is me being cocky and this is really funny," but I don't think he got the joke (and I don't think you did either.)

I'm trying to be more patient; trying to keep quiet and just get shit done. No fucking around anymore. Even since I've realized that I can be patient in this job and let shit happen as it happens, I can't help but constantly think about the future -- My future.


It seems that every two days or so I decide on a different career path. Today I choose film. I finally got some filming done yesterday with some friends and I'm really excited to start editing and all that good shit. Unfortunately I don't have any software to edit yet... so... fuck. It's a shame too, because I believe that I have some funny stuff. I'm actually amazed at how happy I was to be back behind (and in front of) the camera.

You know what? I am going to change that previous statement about wanting to film... I want to do anything except work at this fucking steak shop. I almost got fired today -- I almost punched out someone I work with. He told me to shut up when I was trying to explain something for him. He's from Italy and isn't great with english, so sometimes a customer won't make sense to him. That happened today, and when I tried to reword the customers request for him he snapped. Now that alone isn't enough to push me over the edge, but this guy is a prick. He frequently pushes my buttons and smacks me around (literally), so today I was about to punch him in the face, when I remembered I can just be patient. Karma, mother fuckers. I don't believe in karma, per say, but I do believe that people will get what they have coming to them. I am a pacifist though, so I'm not going to do anything.

I am looking for new employment now, so I'll let you know how that goes. I'm not looking for anything career-ish, but I don't want to work here anymore...

I wanted to write a very intense post. I recently had a talk with my mom that was very heated and very emotional. The only thing holding me back from writing the super intense post that I wanted to write is my mother. If I tell you what was said between my mother and I, everyone in the world would know the demons that haunt both my mom and myself. Don't get me wrong, I'll talk all day about the shit that bothers me, and what problems I have, but I don't want the world to know those things about my family.

I can, however, give the gist of what was said and the outcome of it...

I got mad at my mom for something (a demon we will leave unnamed). We yelled. She told me to figure out what I want to do with my life, and I said I already knew (lucky for me, I had been thinking about this a lot lately). I said I want to write. She laughed at me; I would have laughed at me too... I've never finished a single story or script I've started. I've come pretty damn close many times and in the very few cases where I almost had a conclusion something beyond my control happened and the story was lost forever. Anyway, I am not a good writer, that much anyone can see. I do love to write though, so what do I do (uh... i'll get to that tomorrow... or something)?

Back to the story... I asked my mom what she wants to do with her life; right now she's working a shitty job (shittier than mine) and is looking for a change. Her answer was to manage a restaurant. She went on to say that she is going to try to start waitressing again, and work her way up to management. Good for her.

...There could be more to this, but like I said, I'm going to keep this post censored to keep my family out of my posts as much as I can.

How come...


that's all for this post.

so for the last few nights, I have come home from work, and written my feelings out to the entire internet... if there is anyone out there who is reading my blogs and starting to think they know be, you're wrong. There are so many things that I encounter and do during my day you have no idea of. I do so many things at my job (well, have so many conversations... I really only do one thing, and that's stand around for 10 hours) and I do so many things when I get home.

There isn't a single thing that I do or talk about that you have any idea about. The same goes for me about you... I don't know a single reader, and if I did I wouldn't know shit about your daily life. I can't imagine any of you care about my daily life either.

If there are people reading this and they do come back to read again, I wonder if they are there for my thoughts or for the person who thought them. I guess neither scenario matters. Whatever brings you back is all that matters. I really only write this to get a bunch of hits and become semi-internet-famous (the same idea goes for my youtube account... i just wanna be known).

I don't read blogs. The exceptions to this is when I use Stumble Upon and read a single post... and I have the feeling that the same goes for anyone who happens to find this page. I know only a couple of people in person that read this (and you are the reason I continue to post), but this goes out to everyone who I don't know:

Why are you reading this? Is there something in my words you relate to? Is there something about the things I talk about that makes you want to read more... or have you not even read anything else I wrote (and if that's the case, i recommend you read more.)?

You know what? I changed my mind... I want to ask the people I know as well.

As with all my posts, I hope for comments, but don't expect any. Only difference this time around is that my friends can just talk to me to give me answers... you don't need to comment.

Alright, as some of you may know, I speak english (though some would argue I do it very poorly). Anyway, being as I speak english, I use phrases that don't actually make sense. Here are some of those phrases:

Getting the hang of it. What? The hang of it? What the fuck is the hang?

Turn of phrase. I don't know what to say about this one... it just doesn't make any sense.

Shit out of luck. Did I shit luck? Maybe this should be "Shit, out of luck." That still is stupid, but makes a little more sense.

Fight with. To fight with someone should mean that I am partnering up with that person in a fight against someone. Believe it or not, I can explain this one. The word with originally meant something closer to against. Only through many years of language abuse did the word lose its meaning and become what we now know it as.

Help out. Help out of what? Are you stuck in a well and need assistance with literally getting out of the hole?

Get with. Get what?

Hook up (when used sexually). Unless this is a metaphor for the penis being a hook, what the fuck does it mean?

Only recently have i realized this... and by recently I mean as I sat around thinking about writing this blog.

I see that there is no need to rush a career... I'm 18 -- God willing If I'm lucky I'll live another 80 years. This may be a dead end job but at least it's a job. I don't really need to work 80 hours a week, i just like money. If I'm just patient in this this job I have, I can have a good amount of money saved up in only a couple months. What I mean is I continue to work 40 hours a week and just don't spend any of the money I make (except for the necessary shit like bills).

From here I have a couple options... I can get an IRA. Patience is rewarded beautifully with IRAs. Same goes for mutual funds or simply investing in common stock. Or I can pay for another semester at community college; it may only get me a couple credits, but that's better than no credits.

Patience. With it i don't have to worry. Without it life is full of stress and anxiety.

Why rush into school just to hate my career? Why not take time to experience the world and see whats out there for me?

And patience isn't just good in the long run either -- I can use it to get through my daily life. At work, at home, with friends; being patient pays off. Being patient can make me a better person.

One day I'll figure my life out and understand the reason I'm here... until then I'm going to wait patiently

Alright, not completely like Accepted, but I like the amount of choice in that movie.

Last semester ALL my classes were picked for me according to my major. I was given two business classes, one programming class and a couple liberal arts classes... my major was in computer programming. Guess how many business classes I would have this semester -- 2. Two more business classes. Now guess how many programming classes I would have -- 1.

Let's do a little math. Had I stayed in school (and passed last semester and this semester) I would have taken four business classes and two programming classes. Remember, my major was not business. What the fuck? I wanted to learn coding, not how to run a business (I can do that without school).

Accepted showed people doing well at doing nothing. Unrealistic? Maybe. But why can't something similar to that really work? Not the freedom to choose skate boarding as a credited class, but why couldn't I decide whether or not I wanted to take a business class, or even what kind of programming classes I wanted to take? This is the biggest problem I have with schools right now.

Getting a degree is their way or no way.

i failed english class last semester (because I stopped going, not because of the quality of my work). My grades in that class were solid. I would have had a C, had i continued to attend (and that's without reading one of those stupid fucking stories I was assigned). My essays weren't amazing, but that's because I chose to get high rather than get an A. I would wait till the last minute and spit something out. Sometimes I would wait till the last minute and spit something out high, but I never failed an essay. I also never got an A on one.

What do you think I would have gotten if I turned in my last blog as an essay? I'm not expecting or looking for answers but that's all there is to this entry... what would i have gotten as a grade for that blog. (of course, if i handed it in as an essay, i wouldn't have been in the position to write it so i never would have handed it in anyway)

There are so many things I could have done to better my life. I'm 18 and I've fucked up so many times I've lost count. I have been thinking about school a lot lately and I came to the conclusion that I should have done so much better.

My high school philosophy class may have been my favorite class, had I not dropped it because I didn't want to do the work. I want to go back to high school, keep up with my medicine (*), and pass my classes as best I could.

I fucked up in high school and the only reason I graduated is because my teachers liked me. There are three occasions I should, but didn't. Why the fuck did my teachers do that? It just hurt me in the long run. Now, I'm a college dropout working the register at a fucking steak shop... case and point right there that I screwed my life to shit.

The only things keeping my going right now are my girlfriend and the prospect of going back to school... but that brings up one big problem; what do I want with my life? I enjoy very few things enough to pursue them, but that short list includes writing, film, business, food and linguistics.

Food and language I would never follow through with -- too much chance I will go nowhere with it. (**)Culinary school is expensive, and if I'm not good enough than I'm fucked. Language is just so hard for me. I work with people that constantly speak italian and spanish... so i'm trying to pick up on the languages, as well as teach myself with Rosetta stone, but i'm really not good with it (i just love the fact that there are other languages and I wish I knew them). (**)

This leaves business, writing and film.

Business... I can just work here at the steak shop long enough, learn what to do, and open my own shop -- no school needed there. (**) I wouldn't mind running a steak shop, It's actually lucrative, if you know what your doing (aka own the place)(**) Luckily, I already took business last semester (failed horribly), but I have the books. Spare time can be a beautiful thing in this case.

Writing... Shit, just reading this you know I'm no writer. I can't hold one idea long enough to write something of meaning (read: this blog). I jump around, switch topics and usually just give up. I would need both schooling and an incredible amount of determination for this.

Film... Well that's kind of broad. Directing would be nice, editing would be nice, filming would be nice. All three require experience and training... but i'd be willing to do it... or would I?

Let's go back to my philosophy class; I was so excited to start, but when I did start the class, I wanted nothing to do with it... I will never forget the exchange I had with my teacher (let's call him Mr. A)

"I'm switching to cooking class," Me.

"Stay, you just need to try harder," Mr. A

"But I'm not motivated,"

"You can work on that,"

"That's really hard when I don't like the class,"

"So, your taking cooking now?"

Mr. A gave up on my as quick as I gave up on the class... as quick as I gave up on college. I can't stop fucking up.

I wish I did things better.



Notes:
(*) I was on concerta for ADHD, and that shit actually helped me pay attention. I don't know why i stopped taking it.

(**)this surrounds sections I made up just now and aren't part of the original scribble. Not that you'd know the difference, but being as this is titled "Progression of thought," I felt it made sense to let you know.

My name is Marshall. I'm 18. I have a shitty job and I don't go to school.

I went to school; I have a high school diploma from a Blue Ribbon high school (but that's shit in life); I went to college for a semester, failed everything and now I am working full time at a fucking steak shop (Yeah, i'm from Philly -- and i hate seeing "philly cheese steak" shops in places that have no idea how to make a real steak sandwich).

The title of this blog is called Just Thought because this is all shit I just randomly think up (don't expect frequent blogs because I don't think much) and the URL is http://scribbleatwork.blogspot.com because I literally scribble my thoughts down on blank receipts while I have downtime at work. I then crumple up the papers and stuff them in my wallet (that's how most of these posts will be... but I might just post randomly too).

More about me and my crap life (you may come to find that this blog represents what i hate about myself and what i want to change to make myself better)... I'm not an idiot so my failing last semester wasn't because I lack intellect -- it was because I lack motivation. I also lack vision for the future. My life goals right now include staying alive and making money. That's it. I wouldn't mind going back to school, but right now that wouldn't make sense, considering I have no idea what I want to do for a career (read my next blog, which talks about this a LOT more and actually contradicts this last statement (if you consider that I've already written the next blog)). Currently I'm working 40 hours a week and making shit money. I plan on talking to my boss about working double those hours, so I can either get myself an apartment or so i can save up and set up an IRA (see? I told you I'm not stupid), or both. The problem with working 80 hours a week, is that, although the money is pretty good (considering i'm working a shitty job), i have no time to myself. Well, ok, maybe I will have time to myself, but still, i'd be working 80 fucking hours a week. That's a lot... and that's all i have to say right now.

Now you kind of know me, kind of. Like i said, if you liked this than what the fuck is wrong with you than you shouldn't expect me to post a lot. Whenever i get the urge to let some feelings out, or i think something i have to say is worth listening to I will post.

(i use parentheses a LOT don't I?)